"See the cat? See the cradle?": Transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy and Bell's Palsy (a mystery).

by Ali Rohrbacher

A Preface:

I started writing this a week ago, after an insanely intense day at work, doing crazy amounts of research, at my boss’ request, about Bell’s Palsy, and the potential side effects of  a drug called Premarin. To be blunt, Premarin is pretty fucking crazy. For an example, it has been the highest selling, and most expensive hormone-replacement treatment since the early 90′s due to its “natural” derivation from “PREgnant MARe uRINe” (NOT JOKING). It is prescribed for and used as a hormone replacement treatment for post-menopausal women with dusty-tumble-weed-cunt-type-problems, or in this case, by male-to-female transgender transitioning, if you will.

At this point I can not help but point out the absurd awkwardness of the scientific concept of pregnant female horses getting old ladies wet…

…But I digress.

The Real Deal:

After considerable research-at-work-today, I have concluded that the situation regarding transgender hormone-therapy and possible potentially life threatening side effects is LUMPING RIDICULOUS.

What I have found is, in essence, this:

The manufacturers of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) products do not acknowledge their medical use in the transsexual community.

Thusly, there is little to NO clinical research or data regarding side effects, success rates, or information regarding use in general for men who wish to transition into a more fitting body/sex/whatever-the-hell-they-want, (I did not have time to research the hormones used in female-to-male transition therapies, and therefore this statement excludes any information or point of view on the subject) which I’m pretty sure is MESSED UP.

Also, Bell’s Palsy is stupid.

This concept, while lacking scientific documentation, is the professional opinion of a college graduate. I would (of course) love to cite my sources and get my prospectus on the subject peer-reviewed, but instead I figured I would just lump together some rash statements and blog about it instead. Just because Bell’s Palsy is stupid, however, does not in any way diminish its mysterious absurdity or its untreatable capacity to freeze one side of a human’s face, for potentially no reason, for-potentially-EVER. That’s right. FOREVER. FOR EVER (So Sandlot-status serious). If you are interested at all in the condition itself, Google it. It is highly fascinating, terrifying, and ridiculous. But all I really feel is necessary to conclude with is this- It sucks. It is stupid. Also, I haaaaaaaate it.

A Personal Digression that is Simultaneously a Disclaimer:

I would like to take a disclaimer-type-moment to simply state that I personally believe that EVERYONE is entitled to feel however they want to feel about their bodies, and to do whatever they wish to do with said bodies, as long as they are consenting adult bodies and said bodies are not hurting anybody else.

I believe in believing in yourself, and certainly believing in myself.

And if the self that you believe in is not the “self” that you see in the mirror, or the “self” that is your physical reality,

WE LIVE IN AMERICA GODDAMN IT!

If you have the means to medically achieve the external self that best reflects your internal self -FOR YOURSELF- BY ALL MEANS DO IT! Don’t do it for society, or for anyone else. Do it FOR YOURSELF as well as for your “self”.

But this is just the opinion of a straight woman who has never felt disassociated from her gender identity. But as a secondary disclaimer, I am a lot more flippantly comfortable with myself and my body than (let’s just say) “some” people think I should be.

NOT a Conclusion, Really:

I just finished reading Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Cat’s Cradle. It, on the other hand of this whole mess, is LUMPING AWESOME. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has ever enjoyed reading any words, pretty much ever. The entirety of the novel, spun with ridiculously intricate threads of the most subtle humor, and glistening with the fresh morning dew-drops of a timelessly poignant social commentary, is a fascinating and engaging web that catches the reader and wraps you into the storyline as tight as if you are in reality a fly, struggling for its last second of life before having your insides sucked dry by a gigantic spider made of AWESOME.

In essence, I will proceed to recommend this book to pretty much everyone ever.

I will not, however, recommend taking even the most “natural” hormone replacement drugs, to anyone, for any reason. After all, I am not a certified medical practitioner, I am just a college graduate blogging while she should be doing data entry for a realty company.

And I should probably get back to work.